Drifting on reality...

Listening to "Moon and Sky" by Sade. One of my favorite singers and all time favorite people. She went away for a while and when she was interviewed on why she went away and didnt make music, she told people, "I needed to live man. I needed to go away and just live!" I feel that.

I heard Kanye's "Blame Game"...Two sides to every story, although I know mine is the real truth, you still have your side, and although I'm the one with the open wounds, and you're openly full of bullshit that no one sees, somewhere I loved you. Some where in time I loved you. But I dont anymore. And you hurt me. But that's partly your fault. I'll blame the rest, on my innocence.

I no longer have that. I'm now a soldier. Kanye West wrote this article about himself in XXL magazine and how he views pain and it sums me up enitrely. But my soul mother, that I have been holding in the light, also said a powerful thing about growing up as well...Here are their quotes:

"“Trying to grow up is hurting, you know. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more.”
~Aretha Franklin

“Physically, I can’t be in more pain than when my jaw was broken. Relationship-wise, I can’t be in more pain than I was in my past relationships… Every day [God]’s turning me more and more into the soldier that He needs me to be. And I say, creatively, my heart is open. It can be a vessel for positive energy…”
~Kanye West

So to sum it up, growing up is hard shit but when you dont learn from your mistakes, that's harder shit...And From Ye, I've felt enough pain that shit just dont hurt anymore. Is that sad to say? My heart has been broken so hard that it wont break anymore. Ive been so sick that when I get sick now it doesnt shock me. Nothing shocks me. Pain is just something small. Things dont pull me out anymore. Death creeps in and leaves me kind of confused when it happens. It saddens me, I start over in my mind, and then I rebuild on another memory...I've felt deep resentment and bitterness and it has changed me some for the good and some for the bad and the part that has changed me for the good has taught me to look out for me first. And everyone else second. I used to do the opposite. The part for the bad...Well, it is what it is.
I've been cold and distant and trying to figure out my next moves to a T. I have to know what it is that I am going to do next. I've got some people that I have to strategically exit out of my life for their sake, not mine. They know they dont belong here anymore. And I do too. For reasons I dont really know I have allowed them to stay and now their asses need to hit the road and not come back no more no more no more...(Sorry I just love that song...lol) I know that I am feeling like my normal self as I sit here with my big ass hair in my head. And a sense of my self. It's been a long time since I have felt that way, and although every day is a struggle, I'm gaining direction, and I allowed somone to prophesy into my life last week. One of the things he said was to let go and stop being stubborn to the direction that I know I need to go in. Confirmation for some things. I've got a list. I've checked it twice. Now it's time to actually move on the shit. Cause sitting still aint doing it. So, I guess I'm growing up. Learning...

It aint easy...Guess it aint supposed to be...