Drifting on reality...

Listening to "Moon and Sky" by Sade. One of my favorite singers and all time favorite people. She went away for a while and when she was interviewed on why she went away and didnt make music, she told people, "I needed to live man. I needed to go away and just live!" I feel that.

I heard Kanye's "Blame Game"...Two sides to every story, although I know mine is the real truth, you still have your side, and although I'm the one with the open wounds, and you're openly full of bullshit that no one sees, somewhere I loved you. Some where in time I loved you. But I dont anymore. And you hurt me. But that's partly your fault. I'll blame the rest, on my innocence.

I no longer have that. I'm now a soldier. Kanye West wrote this article about himself in XXL magazine and how he views pain and it sums me up enitrely. But my soul mother, that I have been holding in the light, also said a powerful thing about growing up as well...Here are their quotes:

"“Trying to grow up is hurting, you know. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more.”
~Aretha Franklin

“Physically, I can’t be in more pain than when my jaw was broken. Relationship-wise, I can’t be in more pain than I was in my past relationships… Every day [God]’s turning me more and more into the soldier that He needs me to be. And I say, creatively, my heart is open. It can be a vessel for positive energy…”
~Kanye West

So to sum it up, growing up is hard shit but when you dont learn from your mistakes, that's harder shit...And From Ye, I've felt enough pain that shit just dont hurt anymore. Is that sad to say? My heart has been broken so hard that it wont break anymore. Ive been so sick that when I get sick now it doesnt shock me. Nothing shocks me. Pain is just something small. Things dont pull me out anymore. Death creeps in and leaves me kind of confused when it happens. It saddens me, I start over in my mind, and then I rebuild on another memory...I've felt deep resentment and bitterness and it has changed me some for the good and some for the bad and the part that has changed me for the good has taught me to look out for me first. And everyone else second. I used to do the opposite. The part for the bad...Well, it is what it is.
I've been cold and distant and trying to figure out my next moves to a T. I have to know what it is that I am going to do next. I've got some people that I have to strategically exit out of my life for their sake, not mine. They know they dont belong here anymore. And I do too. For reasons I dont really know I have allowed them to stay and now their asses need to hit the road and not come back no more no more no more...(Sorry I just love that song...lol) I know that I am feeling like my normal self as I sit here with my big ass hair in my head. And a sense of my self. It's been a long time since I have felt that way, and although every day is a struggle, I'm gaining direction, and I allowed somone to prophesy into my life last week. One of the things he said was to let go and stop being stubborn to the direction that I know I need to go in. Confirmation for some things. I've got a list. I've checked it twice. Now it's time to actually move on the shit. Cause sitting still aint doing it. So, I guess I'm growing up. Learning...

It aint easy...Guess it aint supposed to be...

Hell no!

This post has been deleted.

Hit On

This post has been deleted

She said it first...

This post has been deleted.

A pearl

"A pearl is a hard object produced within the soft tissue (specifically the mantle) of a living shelled mollusk. Just like the shell of a mollusk, a pearl is made up of calcium carbonate in minute crystalline form, which has been deposited in concentric layers. The ideal pearl is perfectly round and smooth, but many other shapes of pearls (baroque pearls) occur. The finest quality natural pearls have been highly valued as gemstones and objects of beauty for many centuries, and because of this, the word pearl has become a metaphor for something very rare, fine, admirable, and valuable."

Although this is from wikipedia, which I dont see as a credible source, I love the description of a peal. I, myself, tend to identify with pearls. I wear them with t-shirt and jeans. Theyre the most beautiful gems. And I realize something: they hide in the shadows of something else, until it's their time to shine.

I, am a PEARL!

Epic Devastation

My silence has gone on long enough. I must speak about things now.

Here goes:

My everything became the one thing that I hate, despise, and am disgusted by.
I have been downgraded to being "the friend who got sick, and pushed everyone away!"
I guess the lie is more worth telling than the possibility of happiness.
Been told not to take it personal because it's "not about me!"
Except, it's my feelings that are hurt and my heart that is broken.
And to sadly admit, I think this past relationship was actually my "first love"

And now I am bitter.
And sad.
And consumed with both.
Going through changes.
Swearing off love.
Hating the aspect that who I thought was "the one" was definitely that.

The one...who broke me
The one...who destroyed me
The one...who broke my heart
The one...who made me cry and I wonder if I will ever stop crying
I'm not perfect
I make my mistakes loud
But I would never purposefully promise my love to someone to destroy them with a trick, game, joke
Is love really like this?

Cause right now, I'm feeling like these full 2 years...were a LIE
I loved a LIAR and I have no idea who that person is...

Now I know how the fiancee of the Craigslist killer felt. It's quite...

Devastating...An epic devastation...